Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Saturday, May 27: Now for Something Completely Different

Contestants: Robert Wright and Joel Achenbach

[Spotlight on Bob and Joel, center stage. Cue Music. Bob and Joel begin singing together.]

Oh! Boy! It's good to see ya!
We're glad you came to join us today...
Whew! Boy! It's nice to meet ya!
So let us take a moment to saaaa-aaaaayyyyy!

Welcome to the Bob and Joel Comedy Hour
We're here to make you laugh
If you've been feeling all down and dour
Then perk up your ears...
And turn up the vooooooluuuuuume.....

[Joel steps forward, begins solo.]

I'm a kidder and a teaser and if that's a crime
then lock me up right here, right now, today...
Call me prisoner number 36549
If I can't make you laugh throw the key away...

[Joel pratfall. Bob steps forward, begins solo.]

Shut up Joel stop hogging the spotlight
No one really likes you anyway...
I'm dryer then a West Texas armadilla dirt mite
And if you ever interrupt me I'll make you pay.

[Deadpan. Joel solo.]

Sorry Bob, would you like some cream pie?
It's baked in the traditional waaaayy! [Bob: Sure! Joel throws pie in face.]
Whoops, sorry well at least you're still dry [Cue seltzer.]
Ha ha *$&*#&@*(^$@ take that!

[Music enters minor bridge.]

Bob: That doesn't rhyme...
Joel: So what?
Bob: You're ruining the show that's what.
Joel: Eat me, Wright.

[Out of bridge, back to major. Bob solo.]

Sorry, folks but we're having some problems
There's going to be an unavoidable delay
We'll get back to you as soon as we solve them[Throws pie in Joel's face.]
Revenge is sweet, Joel, so sweet, hey hey!

[All together, bring it home.]

Welcome to the Bob and Joel Comedy Hour
We're here to make you laugh
If you've been feeling all down and dour
Then perk up your ears...
And sit still in your chairs
Cause we're going to make you chuckle today!!!!!!

[A single, slow clap from the audience.]

Monday, May 29, 2006

Wednesday, May 24: Special Snafu Edition

There is no way I could describe the horror that was this diavlog. But this picture pretty much sums it up.

Also, Julian Sanchez appeared to smoke three cigarettes during this 23 minute diavlog. With a generous eight hours of sleep a night, that's a healthy six packs a day. I put the over/under on days until Julian Sanchez is diagnosed with cancer at 6.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Monday, May 22: Special Nuclear Family Edition

Look at me Jacqueline Shire. Look at my fresh haircut and my ice cold black on black ensemble. I'm so hip my knees are jealous. Love me Jacqueline Shire.

Can I call you Jackie, Jacqueline? I may? Well Jackie, I toast to you. I can see that you are delighted by my gesture.

Avert your eyes darling Jackie. I'm about to scratch my nose, and it won't be a pretty sight for a fair damsel such as yourself.

Look at these fists Jackie Shire! Look at these fists! I could catch meat with these! I could fish and pick grain! I could provide for us Jackie Shire! My fists are strong and enormous! Love me!

Oh, you're married?

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Friday, May 19: All al Qaeda

Peter Bergen is overcome by a tittering fit

Contestants: Robert Wright and Peter Bergen

Peter Bergen can go from a full laugh to complete seriousness in .00038 seconds. Peter Bergen can cross the Nile on a crocodile. Peter Bergen was awarded a Gold Medal in the 1994 Lillehammer Olympics for Biathlon; he didn't compete, but everybody knew he was the best. Peter Bergen met Osama Bin Laden and showed Bin Laden how to reboot when his computer froze.

Peter Bergen can juggle 34 things at once, 35 if he uses his prehensile tail. Peter Bergen once killed a man on the streets of Kandahar for saying "I prefer Fox News." When Peter Bergen met Osama Bin Laden, they spent an hour and a half interviewing, and three hours arm-wrestling. Peter Bergen won every match.

Peter Bergen believes that "the Clash of Civilizations" is in some ways a self-fulfilling prophesy. Peter Bergen also believes in "Yo Momma!" And that Iraq is a perfect training ground for terrorists. But also in "Yo MOMMA!!!!!" Peter Bergen lost to Hamid Karzai in a footrace, but only to boost Karzai's confidence. Peter Bergen believes that US aid after the tsunami has helped change popular opinion about the US in Indonesia. Peter Bergen surfed that tsunami.

Peter Bergen believes that while many in the Muslim world may like Osama Bin Laden, very few actually want to live in Osama Bin Laden's world. Everybody wants to live in Peter Bergen's world. And Peter Bergen knows it.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Monday, May 15: The Return of Crazy Jim

Bob Wright and Jim Pinkerton enjoy a laugh on

Then somebody mentions Mickey and both realize how much they truly miss him, although they could never put their feelings into words...

Contestants: Robert Wright and James Pinkerton

Some Jim Pinkerton trivia:

Is in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Longest laugh to a not very funny joke made on a diavlog"

Some jokes I wrote about Jim Pinkerton after seeing him on

Q: How many friends does Jim PInkerton need to help him change a lightbulb?
A: Four, provided they all share the same cultural background because in the entire history of the world there has never been a multicultural society that has worked. If, God forbid, one of the friends is a member of a different culture, Jim and his other three friends have a historical duty to kill him if they ever want to get that lightbulb screwed in. Look at the native Americans! They don't give us any problems after we wiped them out! Not that Jim is actually advocating this, but it's a hard truth. Look at the Israelis! You think they have light bulbs? Well I betcha those Palestinians are always unscrewing them!

Q. Why did Jim PInkerton cross the road?
A. To see if Civil War has broken out in Belgium between the Flemish and the Walloons. After all, there has never been a successful multicultural, multi-lingual society, right? Right?

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Saturday, May 13: All About Iran

Eric Umansky is getting really sick of hearing about how many times Afshin Molavi has been to Iran

Contestants: Eric Umansky and Afshin Molavi
Grade: C-

Full disclosure, I only watched the first 15 minutes of this diavlog. You say: What an inauspicious beginning for your blog! I say: Deal wit it, son, I got things to do. My RealPlayer was acting up, and frankly, it couldn't have crapped out at a better time because this diavlog was doing nothing for me.

Eric Umansky has always rubbed me the wrong way and for the longest time I couldn't figure out why. He's smart, occasionally funny and amusingly unattractive... all the things I look for in a Blogginghead! And yet, there has always been something about him that makes me cringe. Today I figured it out: Eric Umansky looks exactly like an older version of a guy I went to high school with and absolutely loathed. They even share certain nauseating mannerisms which I shan't recount because I don't want to puke all over my keyboard. Sorry Eric, it's nothing personal, but if I ever meet you on the street I'll probably punch you in the face in a fit of misdirected rage.

Afshin Molavi was immaculately groomed, but annoyingly well-informed. I want my pundits to serve me up a healthy dose of shoddy guesswork, broad generalizations and arbitrary contrariness... not real actual first-hand knowledge about the mood of the people in Iran. I'd watch PBS if I was interested in that shit, loser.

Still, I give it a passing grade based on the assumption that it would have gotten better in the second half. You see that Afshin? It's called a baseless assumption. Learn it, live it, love it.